To Be Honest...

A Little About Me….Alex

This week I’m going to take it all back to the beginning. You all have learned quite a bit about my journey as a new mom and while I’ve talked about my life before Savannah a little bit, we have some new faces around here (key word some😂) so, I thought it would be kind of fun to tell you all a little bit more about myself, who I was before I became a mom, and why exactly I started this blog! 

My name is Alexandria Roberts, I just turned 30 years old and I currently live in Lincoln, NE where I was born and raised. My husband is Trevor Roberts who also writes on my blog with me, and we have a 13 year old cat named Tuxedo, and a newly rescued 4 year old husky mix who is currently going through heart worm treatment named Ghost! We moved into our current house in June of 2019 and coincidently, we found out we got our house, which we had been searching for for months at this point, the exact day we found out I was pregnant with Savannah! I remember it was the Sunday of the premier of the last season Game of Thrones, which we were also SO pumped about! Talk about the ultimate trifecta! Things from there moved so fast for us! We moved out of our downtown apartment we had been living in since we got married back in October of 2017, I got my drivers license (yes you read that right – I had never gotten my license but figured this was as good as time as any😂), we moved into our new house, and I began applying to become a local substitute teacher here in Lincoln while also applying to grad schools to get my teaching certificate and masters in teaching as well! Up to that point I was a *master* procrastinator, but something about choosing to bring a little person into the world pushed me to take control of my own life and become someone more responsible and secure for my little girl. Trevor was my #1 hype man through it all and I seriously don’t know if I could’ve mentally done it all without his constant motivation and just belief in me and my abilities – truly. This is something about Trevor that I’ve never had to ask him to do but he has always just been for me – and it’s something that I hope every one of you either are for someone else, or receive from someone else. 
Before this part of my journey began, I always felt lost. I felt like I had done all of the steps I needed to do to become this next version of myself, a version I didn’t know would look like or really do, but I just thought I would be there. I went to college, made wonderful friendships, found the person I knew I was supposed to live my life with, but still felt like I was dearly missing something. I honestly thought through all of the years of waitressing and working odd jobs that a career was what I was missing – something to really put my passions, hard work ethic, and being into – but I couldn’t find it. I didn’t even know how to look, and all of the help and encouragement from the people in my life couldn’t help me with this. I had this incredibly vague idea of who I was supposed to be and what my life should look like, but for the life of me, I couldn’t picture it. So I stayed where I was. It got to the point where I felt so overwhelmed with this nondescript picture of my life that I started to get intense anxiety whenever I looked too deeply, so much so that I couldn’t complete a simple application for a job without giving up less than halfway through. The one time I did apply for a job, a position at a marketing company that I honestly had no real interest in working for I just needed something. I didn’t get the job because my resume wasn’t equipped with the experience necessary for it – I mean it was a secretary position! I felt so defeated and felt like I was just wasting my years at a job that held no advancements and just left me feeling embarrassed and so unaccomplished. But once I found out I was pregnant, my perspective just changed. Because I was still a server, I had no maternity leave waiting for me at the end of the 9 months. So, Trev and I did the one thing we were so good at – we worked our tails off, doing anything and everything we could to save money so we could begin to build the life we knew we wanted for our little girl. Even though I still didn’t know what I wanted for myself, I knew what I wanted for her – and that was enough. By the end of my pregnancy I was substitute teaching 5 days a week where I would then leave the school I was teaching at and head to my serving job on Friday and serve the night shift. I did that until December 21 and I had Savannah January 8 – which looking back, I’m so incredibly *proud* of myself for that. It was one of the few times up to that point that I truly felt that way. We saved enough for me to have 8 weeks of maternity leave – that’s it. And then I would head back to subbing minimum 3 days a week until I could take classes to become a full time teacher. But when I came home with Savannah that Friday after having her, I felt like my path once again had been rewritten. I had never up to that point thought about, let alone wanted to, become a stay at home mom but here I was doing everything I could possibly think of to become one. I had finally found my passion, and it was in this little girl. Everything about becoming a mother terrified me – but it also brought me so much drive and appreciation. and so so many questions. Why is the journey after having a baby so much more difficult than being pregnant with one? What is postpartum and what does it all mean? Why oh why did I feel so frightened for my little girl even though she was safe tucked into my arms? All of these thoughts pounded in my mind and ended with the resounding question – why didn’t anyone warn me? I felt, well kind of betrayed as intense as that may seem. I know other moms had experienced this before me yet nobody felt comfortable enough to talk about it. I began doing all kinds of research and talked to the few mamas who I was close to and felt like this was a dialogue that needed to be talked about – not just talk! But released. There is so so much unrealized pressure put on brand new mothers to be the same women we were before our babies were born. But our minds, along with our bodies, physically, biologically, and spiritually just change. We are seldom met with empathy, but rather this belief that it’s been done time and time again by our mothers and grand mothers before us, so what makes us so special? We are special because we build a resilience and determination that’s often met with indifference and even annoyance. But we do it anyway, because it’s now in our very being to protect and care for these little humans we brought into this world – we feel more now than we ever have before, even when we cry and pray to return to the women we once were. We can’t and we won’t, and we shouldn’t have to. We should be proud of each woman who goes through this – I mean I think we should each have a trophy waiting for us in our recovery rooms saying “you Magical woman you, you did the unthinkable – you created life” and then we are given whatever we need to cope and begin again. If that’s your people – they will all be there. If it’s alone time – that will also be there. But you will never feel alone because all of the wisdom from the mothers before you will be there encouraging you and helping you heal. Wouldn’t that be magical?

Anyways, all of this summed up is the reason behind this blog. Trevor really encouraged me to begin writing all of my thoughts and feelings down into blog posts – which I was so incredibly scared to do. I had been a mother all of 5 minutes so who was I to talk on a subject that maybe a mother of 10 years had been struggling with? But it’s that thought that made me do it – because what if someone else had been struggling with it too and just needed someone to help them speak? That reason was enough. I still get embarrassed time again because I fear people are making fun of this whole thing and my new found love of being a mom – but I try To push those thoughts away as quick as I can. Because while people may mock me, there are a couple more who understand me and share with me their own experiences. I want us to all feel safe to talk about everything and not regret speaking out. I want us to talk about all of the wonderful newness being a mama brings, but also all of the truly dark times too. Social media can be so damaging in how so many voices can chime in with negativity, but it can be so reassuring by building communities that you otherwise would have no access to. I want this blog to be that community! I hope it does. 
If you made it to the end of this post – thank you! Thank you for taking the time to get to know me a little bit more and I hope after this you feel comfortable talking to me and all of the other voices on this page! No matter the circumstance, we all deserve to have our voice heard and I assure you, your voice will be heard here – if you want it to🤗