To Be Honest...

Folks, You Win Some and You Lose Some

One thing that has been weighing on me this week is something that I’m sure almost every parent has felt at one point in time. Being responsible for how your child develops is not only the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but its also the most serious undertaking i’ve ever taken on – and to put it bluntly, its really hard to know what the next right thing is about 90% of the time. When it comes to what makes my Savannah Bee happy, I feel like I instinctually know how to do that, no questions no problems. But when it comes to her diet, her motor development, her self awareness, her independence, her speech – I could go on and on and on with all of the different areas that I worry about, but I worry that I’m not only not doing enough things to help her, but  I’m not doing the right things. You know what I mean? I’ve tried my best to educate myself as much as I can by asking questions and searching out the answers, and then just doing what Trev and I are comfortable with, but sometimes I worry that I pick the comfortable route too often? They don’t exactly have a guidebook for how to raise a baby that’s well rounded during a pandemic without becoming over protective, but I think I wouldn’t have minded having one.

Plain put, I’ve really been struggling with what is the right thing to do with helping Savannah develop healthy sleeping habits – and also low key walking and speech but thats a conversation for another day. I’ve stopped really talking about it with people other than Trevor because while *I alone* know we have made progress and *I alone* know her nights often fluctuate between being restless and sleeping like a rock, when people ask how shes sleeping I kind of explain in this roundabout way of how its going but inevitably end with, “so yeah, shes not really sleeping through the night just yet.” And the moment those words come out of my mouth, I feel guilty and more than a little defeated. Because in most peoples eyes, at 15 months she should be sleeping through the night seemingly without a hitch. And I feel that pressure that a parent knows all too well to make sure your child is developing perfectly in line with how and what the world says is correct. I coddle her too much in the night, I shouldn’t breastfeed her as much as I do, I should have done the cry it out method months ago – all of these thoughts that I’ve struggled with acting on because it just never felt right to me – but what if I was wrong not to do them anyways? I know my baby is beyond happy and healthy from the endless giggles and constant zooming from room to room, but I can’t help but fear that she will become a terrible sleeper like me – which could possibly lead to other long term health defects. As long as I can remember I have always woken up in the night. Most of the time out of fear or the urge to pee, but to this day – even on the nights Savannah sleeps on through – I will wake up at least twice to use the bathroom or just check out my surroundings. Its kind of crazy and I absolutely do not want this for Savannah.

Anyways, I went to my annual visit this week and the last time I saw my OB was at my 6 week check up nearly a year ago, so naturally we chatted and since she’s just the sweetest and caring OB I’ve ever had, she asks how we are doing with pandemic and me staying home. Naturally, the topic of how Savannah is sleeping comes up, but when I said, “WEEELLLL that is something we’ve been really struggling with” she simply looks at me with a smile and says, “oh well, you win some and you lose some.” It was so incredibly simple, and a phrase that I’ve heard so many times in my life, but it meant everything to me in that moment. Because while I can think that and say that to myself over and over, it really is another ballgame when someone else says it for you. While I strive to be the best mom I know how and really push out any negativity, doubt can creep in even the smallest of spaces and while I never seem to be really surprised when it happens, I’m never prepared to handle it either. So, what am I getting at here? Be kind to each other. In the mom world it’s so easy to compare and contrast, and to offer advice to seemingly distressed mamas in situations that your child might have excelled at – I am absolutely guilty of this and have been trying my best to real those impulses in and take a step back in those moments – but sometimes all a fellow parent needs is the simple understanding that you win some and you lose some! Simple as that. Savannah is happy, healthy, charming, and eats like her papa whom I often call our garbage disposal – so its ok that not everything is flowing onto this perfect linear path of milestones and accomplishments. I found this post yesterday on instagram that said the following, “1. caring for a baby is a learning curve, 2. some days are going to be very hard, 3. you won’t enjoy every moment and thats ok, and 4. Often you will have to realign your priorities.” As Savannah gets older, I see how incredibly true these all are, especially the caring for a baby is a learning curve – also, one size does not fit all. Anyways, I’m not saying all of this because I want sympathy or even advice – far from it! I’m saying this for all of the other mamas and papas out there who just need to hear it right now – folks, you win some and you lose some 💛