I’m feeling Drained this Week…

So we adopted/are fostering a dog! And his name is Ghost. So many yays! I know, that sounds confusing – how are you fostering a dog if you adopted him? Here’s the situation – Ghost was in foster care and was scheduled to do heart worm treatment while in that care. Now, if you’ve ever known a dog to go through heart worm treatment, then you know its actually a really big deal, has a pretty big tole on the dog and costs a LOT of money. So, when we discovered him, they said that we can adopt him but if we want to take him on while he was going through his treatment, we can “foster” him during the treatment (which he has 3 rounds and the last round is September 29), so we did! And guys, it’s been hard. I’m not going to sugar coat this post because I mentally and physically cannot. Ghost is a Siberian husky mix, and if you know huskies you know they are incredibly active dogs! Well, with heart worm treatments, the dogs *must* remain calm at all time. In Ghost’s case, he must remain calm for the next 3 months. At all times. So that means absolutely zero walks, no rough housing with him (or with other dogs really), or basically anything that gets his heart rate up. Even running up and down the stairs is discouraged. The poor guy is such a ball of energy too, he’s always so confused why we wont play with him or why he can‘t walk past our front porch to the sidewalk. It honestly makes me feel like a really shitty dog owner. So yeah, this week has been hard.

Have you ever just felt so drained, you don’t know how to enjoy the wonderful things in your life? That’s not to say you don’t appreciate and value everything in your life, cause you truly truly feel blessed – but you still feel so incredibly drained? That’s how I’ve felt all week. FYI this is going to be one of those “whoa is me” posts because that’s just where I’m at right now, and the “but its all worth it” sentiments aren’t really doin anything for me right now so I’m just avoiding them at the moment. But I did feel like just writing it all out – all of it, even the uncomfortable and awkward admissions. Because it always helps put things into perspective when I do this, so I’m hoping it will do that now for me. Anyways, Here are just a couple reasons why I feel completely drained this week, mentally and physically.

  • Ghost. He is such a beautiful, fun loving dog but with the current exercise restrictions on him, finding ways to tire him out/train him/love him/make him happy/keep him happy/keep all of us happy/enjoy getting to know him, are getting a bit repetitive. Trev is being an absolute champ through all of this – truly. I on the other hand, am having a dang hard time letting go of all of the expectations I had for us as a family when we got our first dog. We had a walking routine created – I was so excited to take him on walks, especially since its fall time! Now, I feel guilty even leaving the house to take Savannah on one because he can’t come. We are going to the badlands this month for our first ever little trip with Savannah and we were so excited to bring him along! But we can’t now and I feel really shitty leaving him behind during the first month we have him. I want to let him run around the back yard, that’s literally one of the reasons we got this house ! But we have to take him out on a leash so he doesn’t over exert himself. And look, I know this is all going to change, it will get better, we just have to hold out until November 29 – but I am not awesome with change, ok? It takes me time to adjust to any new reality brought on by change, especially if I wasn’t given any time to prepare. Did I mention we found out we couldn’t do anything of these things with him the day we were getting him? Yeah. We were told he was going through heart worm treatment and we knew he would be tired, but what we didn’t know the extent of what that actually meant. Like, No walking what-so-ever or he could literally die Kind of extent. So I’m sure you can imagine how my mind just reeled at hearing that! I mean, when you think of dogs you think of walks – if you can’t take your dog for walks, you really have no business having a dog, right? In my mind, the whole family were going to go on walks all the time! So naturally, I truly started to panic because what were we supposed to do with him?! How do we entertain a 70lbs husky without letting him do the one thing huskys LOVE to do – run around! We’re still figuring it out, so we will keep you updated…Anyways, I just had such a life planned out for him and now the poor big guy is just quarantined with the rest of us! We still make a point to go outside on the porch or backyard patio a lot during the day – its just very restricted. My amazing friends Mady and Melissa gave us the *life saving* idea to try puzzle toys with him, which we have! Unfortunately for us though, he will only do the ones where he can just dig at the toy to eat the treats. He gets too frustrated with the intricate ones and just knocks the whole puzzle over when he can’t get the treats he wants. We will keep trying them though because we need to keep him motivated and just excited – Just not too excited. He is such a sweet guy though. It’s so sad sometimes because he will kind of poke you with his paw and look at you like why don’t you want to play with me? And look so.sad. And I feel like a shitty owner again. None of this means I regret getting him – at all! It just means having a full grown dog going through heart worm treatment with a brand new family is harder than I thought it would be – and that’s ok. 
  • Savannah. She is growing so fast its unbelievable, and incredible, and Just heart wrenching at the same time because I know its only going to get worse. My biggest fear when planning for more kids (because we want all the babies) is that with each child, I will lose a little bit of the bond I have with my first, Savannah. Since getting Ghost, I’ve kind of felt the effects of that, like my time with her has been shortened a little. It doesn’t mean I regret getting Ghost or not want to have more kids, but sometimes an entire afternoon will go by where I’m just trying over and over to get Ghost to calm down and Savy will just be There, on her blanket with her boppy supporting her, playing with her books alone. She’s completely content but it still makes me so sad because I know that I can’t play with her in that moment – I have to take care of someone else I’m also responsible for. Or maybe I’m sad because I’m also realizing she doesn’t need me in those moments and I’m finally understanding why parents always say to cherish the clingy moments because they go by so fast. I think that’s kind of happening. My other biggest fear if we have more kids is that because my attention is split between all of my children, I’m no longer going to know everything there is to know about her. Right now, I know absolutely everything about Savannah, I’m with her 24/7. It breaks my heart to think of waking up one morning and knowing that’s no longer true. Having Ghost enter into our lives *does not deter me from wanting more children or even having him* but it gives me a true glimpse of what it means to divide my time between 2 beings that I love. It could be a lot worse, I know. But right now it feels like a lot to me. She’s only 8 months old and I didn’t expect to feel this way for a looooong long long time. I don’t know, maybe none of this really makes sense to anyone else but me, and maybe I’m just being a bit dramatic. I’m sure that happens if you have just one child! Which I do – sorta. I stress over hypotheticals a lot – anyone else?
  • Nights. When we transitioned Savannah to her room a month or so ago, Trev and I were able to reclaim our nights. Most importantly, we reclaimed our room. We could watch a movie together – downstairs or in bed – we could hang out in our room before bed and just talk. Or he could read while I watched something on my iPad until I fell asleep. Now, for some reason, I feel like those times are taken away again. I’m so exhausted at the end of the night now, I go to bed almost as soon as Savannah goes down. Trev loves his nights so he’ll stay up with ghost and work on some things for work or his blogs. Trev joked last night that he feels like we spend most of our time making sure everybody in our family is fed – and I honestly feel like that’s 100% true! Not just fed, but happy too. While it is all worth it in the end I’m sure and I know we will get our nights back to us sometime, this week everything is just taking a toll on my body and my mind. 

Like I said, I’m not great with change. Over the years I’ve tried to help change that by preparing myself for what the change could look like, in whatever means I need to. But like a lot of times in life, you can’t prepare yourself for everything. I can already feel myself start to decompress by the end of writing this, it’s the craziest thing. This is why I love blogging honestly. Each post is completely unique to how I feel that week and I’d say about 75% of the time it’s helped me work through some mental funk I’m in. But I also love to be able to hear from you all!

What are some things that have been hard for you this week? Do you feel like your mentally and physically drained too? What are some things you’re doing to help with that? I would love to know!

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