My Truth about Pregnancy
I knew I would eventually want to write this post, but I knew it would come with a lot of emotion, vulnerability, and reflection. So a big part of me didn’t know if I would share this or not. To some it may seem silly, but I’m hoping for most it is helpful, relatable, and shows that everyone has their own paths they walk in life and our own feelings about everything we may go though. For me the biggest life changing thing to happen was becoming a mom. The journey through pregnancy 1 to pregnancy 3 has given me the opportunity to get to know myself more as a mom, partner, wife, and woman. As hard as it is to take time out of our busy days as moms and really reflect and think about our journeys, it is so important that we do that. Being in counseling has helped me immensely with processing my fears, wants, abilities, and goals in motherhood and life, I’m extremely grateful for that. But still, that may not be enough. Once I felt an inner peace spiritually with myself and who I am and who I’m becoming, was it for me. My heart feels different, my parenting looks different, how I interact with my kids and husband is different. And I truly think without taking reflection and really putting in the work, I wouldn’t be where I am today and feel the way I do when it comes to everything in my life.
This last pregnancy has been so much different than my other two…what I mean by that is, well I don’t think I’d ever advise anyone to get pregnant within less than a year from your last. Haha because it’s been rough for this mama. My body wasn’t fully recovered which made all the pregnancy symptoms we get 10 times worse, and had me feeling pretty awful. At 32 weeks I still have my days of feeling completely like crap, and I know as I near the end I will go through some of those fun last minute symptoms. The exhaustion, nausea, anxiousness, and feeling achy as my body prepares for labor. To be blunt, this pregnancy has been really hard to feel excited about, or happy at all really. I just haven’t enjoyed being pregnant as much as this goes around. I use to feel bad about that, like I couldn’t talk about it, or be fully honest when people asked how im doing…I felt ashamed that I could dislike something so much when I was literally carrying my baby in my belly…feeling all the kicks, hiccups, squirms and roll overs. To know how hard it is for some to get pregnant, or some being unable at all to carry their own babies…I mean I didn’t want to talk about how I truly felt and feel. Thankfully I have some pretty great moms in my life that I’m in love with who I’ve been able to open with and who have completely validated my feelings like any true amazing friend would. (shout out to my older sis, alex, and alyssa) i’ve learned that its ok if I don’t enjoy being pregnant and this is my journey and my feelings going through this process, no one else’s. My husband has also been a huge support system through this… as he’s seen all the breakdowns, sleepless nights, and me just feeling completely worthless. He has carried me more over these 8 months than I think he knows.
So this pregnancy has been bittersweet as we have decided this will be our last. My soul and body just know its time, and we feel our family is complete. I have been tremendously blessed to be able to carry three babies, and I have never been more amazed at the pure strength and resilience our bodies can have – especially with this final pregnancy. But my body has continued to show up for me every day, it has stretched, protected, and carried me and this babe all this way, all this time. And now the real work begins. Once this baby is here I will be a mom of 3, I feel terrified but also excited for this new beginning of motherhood for me. I know I’m ready, I guess I’m just wanting to share that no matter how prepared you feel mentally, and emotionally, it’s ok to feel all the feelings. Let yourself feel them, listen to your heart, go with your instincts, trust that god will not let you fail at something he has specifically prepared you for. We are never given more than we can carry or hearts can bear. We have to trust in ourselves, and know that we are truly worthy of it all. All those dreams we have can become a reality if we just believe and put forth that effort to let ourselves be vulnerable. I have felt pretty lousy this pregnancy but I think it’s only been preparing me and making my body stronger and ready for what’s to come. I’m feeling pretty damn proud of my body and myself, and that’s really all I can ask for.