The Beginning

Becoming a parent is such an amazing and humbling experience, but it can also be scary and full of hardships. Here’s my little backstory of how I became my new normal, mama. 
I became a mom 5 years ago, it was unplanned, but at the same time not too surprising. My partner and I at the time were not taking any precautions, and being very irresponsible in that sense. So the consequences of our choices could only amount to one thing, pregnancy. 
At this time in my life I wasn’t in a good place in my life AT ALL to have a baby, even though I had a good job, getting paid well, and working my way up. I was honestly hating every second of it, I was working myself into the ground. My bosses were immature, and sexually demeaning on a regular basis, and I was feeling pretty run down on the daily. And to top it off my relationship at the time (the baby daddy) was falling apart.  There was never a thought in my mind that came anywhere close to not going through with having the baby or giving the baby up, this was on me to step and take responsibility. Everything happens for a reason and I really just had to trust that god had a plan for me. The initial reaction some people had to my pregnancy wasn’t at all what I expected. I had people asking me if I was going to get an abortion or suggesting I should give the baby up. I had people tell me the family I was trying to create would most likely fall apart because it was interacial and neither of our parents had stayed together. So it seemed in some people’s minds this whole pregnancy was destined for failure. I was heartbroken, I felt as though no one believed that I could be a good mom. But Evie became my bright light in my world, and the strength in my soul that God knew I would need to move forward in life, just me and her. And that’s what we did. So no, my first pregnancy didn’t start out how I imagined, and there would be even more struggles down the road (hello single motherhood) but there’s something in us moms that is a strength and resilience I’d come to feel that can get us through anything in life, if we just trust the process. 

Fast forward 3 years later and my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We jokingly took a pregnancy test, and sure enough both tests were positive. This was also unplanned, but had come at a pretty amazing time in our lives. But honestly the first thing I felt after it had sunk in was panic. Knowing all I knew and things I went through with my first pregnancy, I felt upset. It’s crazy how our bodies can take us back to a time in our lives by just a small feeling. But I also knew in my heart that this time was different. And soon after talking with my husband, I knew how meant to be this pregnancy was. All of that trust I put in my journey and belief had come full circle to where I was in that moment. That you can go through some hard shit, like really hard shit and come out the other end scars healed. I knew this pregnancy would be different in a lot of ways, and mainly good ones. My family was growing and we were ready to take on the challenge of two, and it felt so good this time knowing how supported and loved I would feel right from the get go. Also we were having a boy, and if you know my family that is like a one in a million thing to happen for us. 
I’ve really come to be more grateful and take that time everyday to thank god for my life, now and then. I’ve come to realize, without my struggles of becoming a mom the first time I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the second go around as much. I’ve come to realize that you are never given more in life than you can handle, and you can always handle more than you think. So don’t underestimate yourself, don’t fear the unknown and trust yourself to the fullest.