To Be Honest...

These Past Couple of Weeks…

These past couple weeks weaning Savannah have been such a learning curve for myself – mentally, physically, and emotionally Speaking, I feel like I’ve been going through it all. I’ve realized that this change is actually quite massive for our little family, and its ok to say that and to acknowledge that its been a bit overwhelming. The feelings I’ve been feeling, well, they have been a lot. The feeling of relief from finally getting my body back after sharing it for 2 years. The feeling of guilt, for making the decision to wean before Savannah was fully ready making her confused and sad – but I was ready. The feeling of excitement, because I finally get to pick an outfit in the morning without considering if it’ll be practical for breastfeeding or not. And lastly, the simple feeling of sadness, sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes because all of the other feelings are crashing down on me at once. Once you know what to look for, postpartum feelings can be an unrelenting beast. But unlike in the beginning when I didn’t know if it would ever end, this time I do know – I know it’s just one more insanely difficult, but insanely somewhat magical way our bodies heal after allowing us to create and sustain life, all the while slowly turning us into something new. They say don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I think it’s ok to sometimes. I think it’s ok to say, “I am so incredibly happy and grateful for where I am, but damn – I wish I didn’t have to go through x y and z to get there.” What those things are, completely differ for each woman. Maybe it was the endless side effects while pregnant, or the traumatizing birth experience that left you confused and angry- for me, it’s been the postpartum emotions that have swept through me at the beginning of my breastfeeding journey, and at the end. But at this point, I see the end in sight, and for that, I’m also extremely grateful.

Savannah has been growing so quickly these past couple of weeks too. I think the act of weaning has taught her that mama isn’t her *only* source of comfort and joy. The world is a bright wondrous place that can help her find new comforts and new joys, every day. From little furry friends that come to visit and play with her day in and day out, to the newly discovered tree house that has laid untouched in our backyard since we moved in. I got her 2 new pairs of sandals for the summer and she just loves wearing them, no matter the time of day or what we are doing. And while she always returns to give me some cuddles, kisses and a sweet sweet smile, I get a little bit emotional watching her discover everything for the first time on her own. Knowing that I’m allowing her to become her own person and some day not need me for hardly anything at all, but still loving how she looks at me each time she sees something or does something new right now💛

What was the purpose of this post? You know, I’m not sure. I usually like to write straightforward posts but my mind hasn’t been so straightforward these past few weeks and I don’t want to pretend otherwise. Nothing profound happening here, but I always think it’s good to give a good reality check to those following along with our lives through the lens of social media. I have found it to be very therapeutic for me to write about my thoughts and feelings in the moment, so that’s what what I’m doing now. I truly adore my life, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel these things – sometimes for weeks at a time. I think it’s ok, I think it’s human, I think it’s important to acknowledge it, and I think it doesn’t define you. Anyways, that’s what I think! What do you think?