My life Up Until Now

A year ago I was in a completely different place than I am in now. The way I thought and the decisions I made all revolved around a life that always felt slightly unbalanced and completely unpredictable. I never really had a plan for anything, nothing concrete anyways. The thing was, thinking about my future made me feel anxious, so anxious that at some point I just stopped planning for anything. I lived my life day by day, not worried about where I was going or why, just solely focusing on being content, whatever that meant at the time. My husband, Trevor, has always been the opposite and has always been filled with a drive to create change – in his life and around him. When they say opposites attract, they must’ve seen us! While it was great that we balanced each other out in that way, my lack of passion for basically everything was something i truly wanted to change. I can honestly say that if it weren’t for him, I probably would have never been able to (I like to relax and watch tv when i get too stressed :)). But I am so glad I did! because it brought me Savannah. This sweet little girl has completely upended my life and transformed me from a waitress content with making zero commitments, to making the biggest commitment of my life.

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t exactly dive right into it. I was actually pretty stressed out and angry at myself for putting off finding a full time job because now I felt it was essential for us to survive. I wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy those first few months of being pregnant because the lord would work everything out in the most amazing way possible. I didn’t have a clue on what type of mother i was going to be, if I would like it, or be any good at it – but i became determined to make myself as prepared as possible, what else could I do? I wish I could say I read this book or found this article that paved the way for my whole experience, but I actually didn’t buy a single parenting book. I did read a ton of articles, but most of the time I went to the sources that had proved most influential in my life – real life moms. Their experiences were invaluable! They gave me a full on view of what my story could look like, how I could control it. because through all of the conversations I had I realized that not one moms journey through pregnancy and postpartum had been the same, not even close! Its the craziest thing and something I never anticipated, but it was SO telling about the culture we have surrounding this topic. It made me think over and over again, why on earth does all of this feel so secretive? Like, us women only get to know the real truth about pregnancy and postpartum once we got pregnant. It felt as if all of these mothers were saying to me, “finally! Now I can really tell you what to expect throughout this journey and i can actually talk about just how hard this was for me.” It made the whole situation all the more overwhelming because it felt like I had just been inducted into a secret society without even realizing it was a secret. I mean the idea of motherhood being a secret society is insane! But thats truly how it felt. It also made me so so sad – so sad for all of these women who felt they couldn’t talk about the fact that the mental journey is just as taxing as the physical journey, that seeing people right after you just expelled a human being from your body is SO terrifying because your body is still going through mini contractions and you feel honestly traumatized from it, and most importantly, you just feel like a different person as soon as you got wheeled out of that delivery room. Even if you liked the person you were before became irrelevant, because there really was no way to get that person to come back.

All of this is how I felt, and once I spoke it out loud to a couple of mothers, they all said they went through the exact same thing. I think that shook me more than anything. It made me look around at all of the women in my life, some with up to 4 kids, and I fully understood that they all went through this unbeknownst to me and the world. Baring children is the one thing everybody, everywhere on this earth can agree has happened since the beginning of time – so why is not every woman made aware of absolutely all of the physical and emotional change, excitement, and possible trauma having a child can do to your body and mind? These questions have been on my mind for the past 3 months and i don’t think they’ll ever stop coming. Thats what makes this whole experience so exciting! I cannot wait to explore the serious parts of motherhood and also all of the completely amazing ones!

All of this is why I wanted to start this blog. I want to be able to talk about this topic and any topic regarding it, freely and hopefully it can help any other women out there feel the same way! Savannah is now 3 months old and these past months have been the most eye opening experience. Though I know we have just skimmed the surface of what it means to be a parent and raising children, I cant wait to keep this journey going. Heres to learning something new every day!

Leave a Comment